No matter what has happened in your marriage – including infidelity or addiction – if both parties are truly committed to repairing their marriage and engaging in therapy, they can generally get to a better place than ever before; it’s about identifying the underlying causes and fixing them rather than just addressing the symptoms.
A healthy relationship is one in which each party feels valued, respected, cherished, and know that their partner is there for them and has their back. And while it’s valuable to bring different strengths to the relationship, the couple’s values should be somewhat congruent so they can live in harmony.
If a couple is having sex less than 10 times a year, their marriage is considered sexless. If both parties are okay with it, that’s fine. But if either party is unhappy with it, it’s crucial to address it sooner versus later, because generally the person with the lower desire ends up controlling sexual frequency. This is unfair to the other party. All couples have desire differences – both with respect to frequency as well as what they like – so it’s important to work through those rather than end up in a sexless marriage.
Our sex drive is on a bell-curve – some don’t want it very much, most want it a couple of times a week, some want it a lot more often. But when we start out in a relationship, Mother Nature douses us with mating hormones, so the frequency may start off much higher, even for the lower drive partner. This can lead the other party to experience a “bait and switch” when everything comes down to the baseline, usually at an 18-month (give or take 6 months) mark. For the record,12% of men can take it or leave it, and 7% would rather leave it. Other factors include (but aren’t limited to):
Once you betray your partner – sexually, fiscally, or by being disrespectful or unreliable – they’re unlikely to trust you again. But if trust was an issue without you ever betraying them, then it could be how they’re wired. The bases of trust are installed in utero and in childhood – if we couldn’t trust our parents, it’s unlikely that we’ll trust others.
We learn how to do relationships based on what we learned in our family of origin – if your spouse didn’t receive or witness affection, they’re unlikely to display it. It can also be the result of feeling insecure, feeling unloved, feeling hurt or disrespected, etc. Another common reason for wives is that they’re afraid that if they show affection, their partner will assume that they want sex – so if they’re not in the mood, they’ll refrain from showing affection; they neither want to let their spouse down, nor have to hear about it.
No matter what has happened in your marriage – including infidelity or addiction – if both parties are truly committed to repairing their marriage and engaging in therapy, they can generally get to a better place than ever before – it’s about identifying the underlying causes and fixing them rather than just addressing the symptoms. But you need professional help to fix the damage, heal wounds, and get the roadmap to do it right. A relationship can be a container of the greatest joy or the deepest misery – it depends upon your commitment. For a marriage to work, it needs work – and it’s worth the investment!
While there are no definitive signs, the following factors might be suggestive; however, since they can have other reasons behind them, a single “sign” shouldn’t be given too much weight. There is only possible reason for concern if there’s a constellation of the signs mentioned below:
Counseling helps gain clarity first and foremost, by identifying underlying issues. From there you can get help finding solutions and building a stronger and healthier marriage. Although relationships can be challenging, the science of love/attachment can help us have great marriages. Emotionally Focused Therapy works 70% of the time – the key is both parties being invested in the marriage as well as the work it takes.
Counselling doesn’t hurt or lead to divorce – the couple’s problems do – but since counselling reveals those things, some people decide to blame it for the demise of their marriage.
1. Since the female brain can multi-task all too efficiently, they bring a lot of stuff into bed with them, so they need a little time to unwind before they can get into the moment and be fully present. So do take care of their emotions before the motion.
2. Not everything that happens in bed has to do with you – sometimes women are stressed, sometimes it has to do with their biology (for instance, 70% of women can’t orgasm from vaginal thrusting alone), so if it isn’t happening, don’t take it personally – they can get performance anxiety too.
3. When you’re zoning in on their sweet spot, work around bull’s-eye and then slowly and gently increase intensity and focus. Pushing it harder and faster won’t make her come any faster than doing that to an elevator button.
4. It’s not paint by numbers, so just because you’ve already worked on an area doesn’t mean you don’t have to come back to it – for example, those who like booby play need you to work their orbs as diligently through the final stages as the foreplay.
5. Sometimes women just want to connect and are too tired to go through the whole nine yards to have their own orgasm, so if they just want to have a quickie and skip their own deal, take it as a gift and don’t question it.
6. The female skin is a bit thinner and more sensitive than yours, and their sense of smell a whole lot stronger, so be gentle with her skin and be clean and sweet-smelling with yours. Speaking of sweet smells, substitute some fresh fruits for strong-smelling veggies and red meat and they’ll be able to blow you away in ways you never imagined!
7. Saying “this has never happened before” – with anyone – doesn’t make women feel any better. On the same note, if it isn’t working, move on to something else, no matter how much it made your ex moan from ecstasy. No two women are alike, so don’t treat them as such. They know what’s going on when you’re gung-ho on the move.
8. Don’t be afraid to use your tongue in all the ways it was intended – chatting, kissing, pleasuring – and yes, telling women you dig their bod counts; never ever assume that she knows how hot you think she is.
9. Don’t squeeze women’s breasts – leave that for melons in the supermarket. And if you’re going to use your fingers for anything else, make sure they’re just washed, since bits of perspiration can sting their delicate zones.
10. The warmer you make a woman, the hotter she’ll get – throw her towel in the dryer, put cuddly socks on her feet, give her a massage with a warming oil. The warmer she feels, the faster her magical moment will happen.
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