“I don’t know why I had the urge to check his phone, but I did. In his history I found those damn texts that no partner should find! My knees turned to jelly and I had to sit down to gather my strength. I just stared out the window, waiting and waiting for my body and mind to catch up to the reality that just rocked my world. The pain of betrayal was excruciating and the truth unimaginable.”

Affairs, both sexual or emotional, are traumatizing to both the individual as well as the relationship. The shock waves usually cause extensive damage throughout the entire family. Affairs are the deadly hurricanes of marriage. Many marriages are left broken and in ruin.

Although devastating, one can survive, and even be restored, after an affair. Although it is very painful and difficult work, it is possible to recover. Successful affair recovery is a process that must be handled openly, respectfully and wisely, for effective, long-term marital renewal. If this has happened to you, be sure to reach out for some kind of therapy, whether online or face-to-face affair recovery counselling.

We all look up to people in our lives who have suffered unimaginable hardships, because they not only endured them but also transcended them. These people become our mentors, our heroes. Through resiliency and courage, they somehow turn the searing pain of betrayal into opportunities. Affairs can lead to stronger marriages and relationships. I have walked with numerous couples through the dark and difficult seasons of betrayal into a new and stronger relationship of trust and intimacy.

Affairs might be the tipping point for divorce, or they may be the hinge to the door of restoration. In either case, a skilled and compassionate online therapist is a critical professional support. Online affair recovery counselling may be the safest way to deal with such an intimate and sensitive situation.

Most Frequently Asked Questions:

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How do I know if my spouse is cheating?

  • They are buying or wearing new or different clothes.
  • They are working out more or losing weight.
  • Their schedule has suddenly changed.
  • They are secretive about their activities on their laptop or phone.
  • They are more secretive about where they are going.
  • They are hiding the credit card bills.
  • There is less sex or intimacy.
  • They are not as reachable.
  • Their friends are not calling as much but they are still going out.
  • They are more defensive or angry.
  • Your gut says something is wrong.
  • They are regularly removing their history on the phone or computer.
  • They change the subject by attacking you.
  • They avoid touch.
  • There are unexplained expenses.

Does marriage counselling work after an affair?

Yes, online marriage counselling can be effective after an affair. However, the wound of the affair must first be addressed and thoroughly examined.

Is an emotional affair really an affair?

Hey, I get it! They swear they did not have sex. They haven’t even kissed. So why do I feel so angry and so hurt?

Most traditional couples’ relationships assume sexual exclusivity. However, the sharing of emotional intimacy with someone other than your partner often feels like more of a betrayal than a sexual affair. Mainly because it is the sharing of our inner self and soul that is the magic and mystery expressed in sexual intimacy. The physical intimacy is most often the expression of our inner devotion and feelings. Emotional affairs of the heart are still affairs and are often more painful than just a one-night stand of indiscretion.

Does marriage counselling after an affair lead to a divorce?

We all hear of friends or family who have sought divorce after an affair or couples’ counselling. Certainly, divorce following an affair can occur because of the significant breach of trust. And, while some marriages end in divorce after counselling, in most cases restoration of trust and the relationship is not only possible but doable. Be brave and seek help!

Does marriage counselling after an affair lead to a divorce?

We all hear of friends or family who have sought divorce after an affair or couples’ counselling. Certainly, divorce following an affair can occur because of the significant breach of trust. And, while some marriages end in divorce after counselling, in most cases restoration of trust and the relationship is not only possible but doable. Be brave and seek help!

What about micro-cheating?

Some people stay at least ten yards away from the line of cheating, in case of temptation. Others aggressively cross it. Still others straddle the line, rationalizing that they still have one foot solidly in the marriage. This is often referred to as ‘micro-cheating’. It occurs when someone flirts using emotionally or verbally inappropriate communication but does not actually do anything wrong. When someone challenges their behavior, they will say they have not done anything wrong and accuse their partner of being jealous or too sensitive. Their actions may not be obviously disloyal, but they are definitely not innocent either.

How can I make my marriage work again?

Speak to your partner about getting help together. Offer to just try it once to see if it is feels comfortable and is helpful. Give them a choice between face-to-face marriage counselling or online video counselling. Be respectful and invite them into the process without blaming. If your partner does not come, you can still work on your marriage by working on yourself. Someone has to take the lead. It might as well be you.

Can you build trust again after it has been ripped apart? Will the emotional heart heal itself on its own?

Trust Repair

For anyone who has believed in love and all that is good but has experienced the horrific pain of betrayal, you understand how painful this experience is and how it leaves you panicked and distrusting. Whether it is a partner, a parent, a boss, a friend or a government, the wound of infidelity can change us for life!

Let’s consider the similarities between skeletal muscle tears and the tears of emotional heart muscle and their ability to recover from injury. Skeletal muscle is one of the most abundant tissues in the human body. It accounts for about 45% of the total body mass and is necessary for generating forces for movement. I believe trust represents a significant function in our ability to move in this world. Whether it is in our work, our relationships, or in our play. Without trust, we will freeze up and wither in myriad ways. As humans we are made to move, adapt and change.

Skeletal muscle has the capability of regenerating lost tissue upon injury, up to a certain threshold. Mild and moderate muscle tears can regenerate with rest and care. In like manner, most of our emotional hurts seem to recover with rest and slow and steady re-engagement of relationships and activities. However, beyond a threshold, the tearing of large volumes of muscle tissue is unable to fully regenerate its function. In these severe tears, intervention support is required. Reconstructive interventions are needed to assist the natural regenerative challenge in therapy work.

Skeletal muscle has the capacity of regeneration after injury. However, for large volumes of muscle loss, this regeneration needs interventional support. Consequently, muscle injury provides an ongoing reconstructive and regenerative challenge in clinical work.

When we ask each other: “What loss or betrayal do you think you could not recover from?”, we often hear statements like: “If my partner ever had an affair!” or “If my child was ever taken or disappeared!” Imagining such painful experiences approaches thresholds that may be too much for some to bear. We all sense we have limits to the pain we can endure and still travel on. I believe this is true. Like our resilient skeletal muscles, there is an emotional threshold that, when injured, may never be restored to normal.

After listening to literally tens of thousands of clients’ stories, we have seen both the terrified heart-rending seizure of the heart, as well as the courageous and incredible resuscitation of the emotional muscle.

Can trust be regenerated. Absolutely!

Are people amazed to see their heart no longer hurting after such tears? Yes.

Are couples stunned to see trust grow strong again? Yes.

Is Trust A Muscle? Yes!

Can you build trust again after it has ripped apart? Yes.

Will the emotional heart heal itself on its own? Yes, but sometimes it needs help!

What we do know for CERTAIN is if your trust muscle does not recover it WILL reduce the quality of your life on so many levels.

If you have been hurt, call us for online treatment!

How do you have a great marriage after an affair?

You can have a great marriage after the affair if the two of you courageously admit the nature of the wrong and understand the depth of the wound. It is only then that the heart can learn to heal; when a person chooses to forgive. As we begin to unclench our fists, over time trust can grow. Both partners can now hold out their open hands for love and acceptance.

How do you have a great marriage after an affair?

You can have a great marriage after the affair if the two of you courageously admit the nature of the wrong and understand the depth of the wound. It is only then that the heart can learn to heal; when a person chooses to forgive. As we begin to unclench our fists, over time trust can grow. Both partners can now hold out their open hands for love and acceptance.

Can we ever be happy again after cheating?

The acceptance of our frail humanity is one of the most bonding relational experiences. Humble transparency is an extremely attractive and sought-after characteristic for partners. Affairs often force us to face our wounded selves and invite our partners to provide forgiveness and grace. When we offer grace instead of judgement, we leave our weapons of power at the door and stand powerless in front of each other. Such love can be revolutionary to the heart and mind of both partners. The result is often gratitude and joy.

Ask yourself these questions:

  • 1. Start with friendship and keep it going.
    • a. Spend time together doing things you both enjoy.
  • 2. Be kind.
    • a. Kindness matters – all the time.
    • b. Say thank you.
  • 3. Be a student of yourself.
    • a. Your partner will mirror for you the areas you cannot see without their input.
  • 4. Love is a commitment of the highest order – say it often.
  • 5. Focus on your communication styles.
    • a. Quit justifying your own and try to understand your partner’s style.
    • b. Practice, practice, practice.
  • 6. Humble yourself but don’t let anyone walk all over you.
  • 7. Be a student of forgiveness – practice saying “I am sorry.”
  • 8. Tame anger, power and injustice within conflict while letting ‘respect’ run rampant.
  • 9. Explore and play with sexual intimacy regularly.
  • 10. Be sexually faithful and loyal to your partner.
  • 11. Create a spiritual connection
    • a. with purpose
    • b. with gratitude
    • c. with mystery
  • 12. Be a truth teller – delivered with love.

Kindness Matters! Practice it daily!