I don’t call anymore. Mainly because I am embarrassed by my life.
That wonderful guy that I bragged about in the beginning has turned into a self-centered masochist.
Most often I feel this is a situation of my own making. But when I am in the thick of things, I feel trapped by shame and fear. I am so confused, and it seems I cannot think straight. I love him even when he treats me so badly. How wacked is that? But how can I leave? Where will I go? How can I manage alone? I can see the good in him still. I know he needs me. But it hurts so much.
Looking back, I know if I told my friends and family how bad things were, they would have supported me. But when I finally left my abusive relationship for the last time, I realized that leaving was not the answer. Don’t get me wrong, it was incredibly difficult to walk out that door. But leaving was only one of many steps on my healing journey. I was not well . . . for a very long time. I needed help.
Now that I feel so much stronger, I can see how far I had drifted away from my healthy self. Abuse is such a subtle silent destroyer of soul, confidence and self.