Most Frequently Asked Questions:

Find the sexual pleasure and sexual satisfaction you deserve

No matter what has happened in your marriage – including infidelity or addiction – if both parties are truly committed to repairing their marriage and engaging in therapy, they can generally get to a better place than ever before; it’s about identifying the underlying causes and fixing them rather than just addressing the symptoms.

What does a healthy relationship look like?

A healthy relationship is one in which each party feels valued, respected, cherished, and know that their partner is there for them and has their back. And while it’s valuable to bring different strengths to the relationship, the couple’s values should be somewhat congruent so they can live in harmony.

What is a sexless marriage?

If a couple is having sex less than 10 times a year, their marriage is considered sexless. If both parties are okay with it, that’s fine. But if either party is unhappy with it, it’s crucial to address it sooner versus later, because generally the person with the lower desire ends up controlling sexual frequency. This is unfair to the other party. All couples have desire differences – both with respect to frequency as well as what they like – so it’s important to work through those rather than end up in a sexless marriage.

Why doesn’t my spouse want to have sex?

Our sex drive is on a bell-curve – some don’t want it very much, most want it a couple of times a week, some want it a lot more often. But when we start out in a relationship, Mother Nature douses us with mating hormones, so the frequency may start off much higher, even for the lower drive partner. This can lead the other party to experience a “bait and switch” when everything comes down to the baseline, usually at an 18-month (give or take 6 months) mark. For the record,12% of men can take it or leave it, and 7% would rather leave it. Other factors include (but aren’t limited to):

  • Health issues
  • Medications
  • Resentment/anger
  • Fatigue
  • History of abuse (particularly but not limited to sexual abuse)
  • Stress – not only does that impact us mentally, it can cause erectile dysfunction in men, and/or low desire in either party
  • Women can experience the flip-flop, which means arousal needs to precede desire rather than the other way around – the couple needs to be aware of this and work through it
  • As we get older, our bodies change – our partner may be worried about their body not looking good or functioning properly, especially as they age, so they may shy away from sex
  • For women especially, they need to connect outside the bedroom before they can connect inside the bedroom. This means they need to feel appreciated, and could use some help so they’re not exhausted by the time they come to bed
  • A new mother may experience exhaustion, not to mention she may be “touched out” and have connected enough with her newborn already by the time her husband gets into the picture
  • A woman may lose lubrication with age, and her vaginal tissue may become fragile, so sex may feel uncomfortable. But it's important to note that the longer you don’t use it, the likelier you’ll lose it – in general, the less sex women have, the less they'll crave it
  • A man may be experiencing erectile dysfunction due to any number of reasons – if he is getting morning erections, it could be psychological reasons; however, if he’s not getting morning erections, he’s likely struggling with cardiovascular issues
  • Alcohol consumption, certain drugs, marijuana, and smoking can all cause desire and erectile issues
  • Dissatisfactory sex or poor hygiene
  • When someone lets themselves go – your partner can still love you but may no longer sexually desire you
  • Lack of privacy – kids, pets, in-laws, and thin walls can all impact the ability to relax

Why doesn’t my spouse trust me?

Once you betray your partner – sexually, fiscally, or by being disrespectful or unreliable – they’re unlikely to trust you again. But if trust was an issue without you ever betraying them, then it could be how they’re wired. The bases of trust are installed in utero and in childhood – if we couldn’t trust our parents, it’s unlikely that we’ll trust others.

Why doesn’t my spouse show me affection?

We learn how to do relationships based on what we learned in our family of origin – if your spouse didn’t receive or witness affection, they’re unlikely to display it. It can also be the result of feeling insecure, feeling unloved, feeling hurt or disrespected, etc. Another common reason for wives is that they’re afraid that if they show affection, their partner will assume that they want sex – so if they’re not in the mood, they’ll refrain from showing affection; they neither want to let their spouse down, nor have to hear about it.

What is an open relationship?

An open relationship can take many forms, but the two parties must agree upon what that looks like and establish the ground rules before going into it. The following are some of the arrangements that people agree upon:

  • Either party can see anyone they want, provided the other party is informed and are okay with it
  • The couple can invite other parties into their bedroom, where all parties are involved in the encounter
  • One party enjoys a sexual encounter with someone other than their partner and the partner can either watch or hear about it afterwards for sexual excitement – this is often what cuckolding looks like
  • The less adventurous party (vanilla) agrees to their partner “playing” with other individuals, without having intercourse with them – as in, BDsM play or indulging in fetishes
  • One or both parties can be in a committed relationship (it’s not just about sex) with one or more parties outside of the primary relationship – this is what polyamory can look like
  • A couple can design their own arrangement

Why doesn’t my spouse have a sexual interest in me?

  • They could have self-esteem issues
  • They could be feeling stressed out
  • They may be resentful
  • They may be feeling unattractive
  • They may feel unsafe around you if they feel you are a bully, too critical, or nag or undermine them
  • They may not be physically attracted to you right now
  • They may be suffering from sexual anorexia
  • If your spouse is male, he could have erectile dysfunction

How can I make my marriage work again?

No matter what has happened in your marriage – including infidelity or addiction – if both parties are truly committed to repairing their marriage and engaging in therapy, they can generally get to a better place than ever before – it’s about identifying the underlying causes and fixing them rather than just addressing the symptoms. But you need professional help to fix the damage, heal wounds, and get the roadmap to do it right. A relationship can be a container of the greatest joy or the deepest misery – it depends upon your commitment. For a marriage to work, it needs work – and it’s worth the investment!

How can I make my marriage happy again after cheating?

  • The cheating party needs to accept responsibility for not only what they did, but also for how it impacted their partner
  • The cheating party needs to validate the wounded party’s pain and make every effort to “get it”
  • Both parties need to identify the reasons behind the cheating, without assigning blame
  • Both parties have to come up with a game plan to address those reasons and establish how the plan will be enforced – for example, transparency, therapy, boundaries and consequences for breaking them, avoidance of the affair partner, etc.
  • While it’s okay for the wounded party to ask questions, the gory details need to be left out, because it’s very hard to break away from mental images based in details – and asking questions is one thing, but berating and falsely accusing is quite another
  • Once the above is established and the couple seeks therapy for healing and rebuilding trust – which is crucial to reconnecting – it’s important to establish new routines, and try to engage in “normal” behaviours instead of making every conversation about the affair
  • Once the cheating party makes good on whatever is requested of them, the wounded party has to invest in forgiveness
  • To work past the affair, the couple needs to plan the same things that other couples do to find fun and happiness together – it’s a decision to let things go, once you’ve decided to stay together

How can I know if my spouse is cheating?

While there are no definitive signs, the following factors might be suggestive; however, since they can have other reasons behind them, a single “sign” shouldn’t be given too much weight. There is only possible reason for concern if there’s a constellation of the signs mentioned below:

  • Your spouse suddenly becomes disengaged
  • They're spending a lot more time in improving their appearance – gym, new clothes, etc. – but they don't seem interested in going out or being intimate with you
  • Your sex life has plummeted
  • They're more irritable
  • They're staying later at work than usual, without any specific projects/deadlines
  • They're hiding their expenses
  • They're spending a lot more time on their phone and keeping it password-protected and face down
  • They're keeping their email more secretive and/or minimizing screens when you walk in
  • They don’t keep you in the loop with their plans, and when they do tell you anything, they wait until the last minute
  • They're having a hard time making eye contact
  • They're becoming more suspicious of you
  • They don’t seem to be paying attention to what you’re saying or feeling
  • They find excuses to snap at you and not resolve arguments
  • Their behaviour is inconsistent with their words
  • They're exhibiting behavioural changes with no clear cause

Is marriage counselling helpful after an affair or does it lead to divorce?

Counseling helps gain clarity first and foremost, by identifying underlying issues. From there you can get help finding solutions and building a stronger and healthier marriage. Although relationships can be challenging, the science of love/attachment can help us have great marriages. Emotionally Focused Therapy works 70% of the time – the key is both parties being invested in the marriage as well as the work it takes.

Counselling doesn’t hurt or lead to divorce – the couple’s problems do – but since counselling reveals those things, some people decide to blame it for the demise of their marriage.

What does my spouse need from me?

  • Love, respect, trustworthiness
  • To feel significant and valuable
  • To feel desirable and cherished
  • Help with chores and childcare
  • Keeping them in the loop with what’s going on in your life
  • Taking time to hang out together to connect

10 Things Men Do During Sex That Women Wish They Didn’t

by Rebecca Rosenblat

1. Since the female brain can multi-task all too efficiently, they bring a lot of stuff into bed with them, so they need a little time to unwind before they can get into the moment and be fully present. So do take care of their emotions before the motion.

2. Not everything that happens in bed has to do with you – sometimes women are stressed, sometimes it has to do with their biology (for instance, 70% of women can’t orgasm from vaginal thrusting alone), so if it isn’t happening, don’t take it personally – they can get performance anxiety too.

3. When you’re zoning in on their sweet spot, work around bull’s-eye and then slowly and gently increase intensity and focus. Pushing it harder and faster won’t make her come any faster than doing that to an elevator button.

4. It’s not paint by numbers, so just because you’ve already worked on an area doesn’t mean you don’t have to come back to it – for example, those who like booby play need you to work their orbs as diligently through the final stages as the foreplay.

5. Sometimes women just want to connect and are too tired to go through the whole nine yards to have their own orgasm, so if they just want to have a quickie and skip their own deal, take it as a gift and don’t question it.

6. The female skin is a bit thinner and more sensitive than yours, and their sense of smell a whole lot stronger, so be gentle with her skin and be clean and sweet-smelling with yours. Speaking of sweet smells, substitute some fresh fruits for strong-smelling veggies and red meat and they’ll be able to blow you away in ways you never imagined!

7. Saying “this has never happened before” – with anyone – doesn’t make women feel any better. On the same note, if it isn’t working, move on to something else, no matter how much it made your ex moan from ecstasy. No two women are alike, so don’t treat them as such. They know what’s going on when you’re gung-ho on the move.

8. Don’t be afraid to use your tongue in all the ways it was intended – chatting, kissing, pleasuring – and yes, telling women you dig their bod counts; never ever assume that she knows how hot you think she is.

9. Don’t squeeze women’s breasts – leave that for melons in the supermarket. And if you’re going to use your fingers for anything else, make sure they’re just washed, since bits of perspiration can sting their delicate zones.

10. The warmer you make a woman, the hotter she’ll get – throw her towel in the dryer, put cuddly socks on her feet, give her a massage with a warming oil. The warmer she feels, the faster her magical moment will happen.

Books

  • 5 Languages of Apology – by Gary Chapman
  • The Sex Starved Marriage – by Michele Weiner
  • Mating in Captivity – by Esther Perel
  • Overcoming Betrayal – by Rebecca Rosenblat